- I think it is appropriate to spend your college years discussing how weird people are at parties while at parties.
- I hate guys with big meaty handshakes. They’re schemers.
- I once met a relative of mine in New Mexico who did her entire bathroom in bright yellow. That is happening in my lifetime, that’s all I’m saying.
- I go through bathroom decorating fads.
- Yes! Shocking!
- What was I even talking about?
- I used to work at Chik-fil-A.
- Don’t be jealous.
- I’ve had to wear a uniform and a name tag and be super enthused about chicken.
- Like, WHOA, was I cut out for this job!
- Before that I worked in a bookstore.
- For like two years.
- Working my way through college.
- THEN I quit that job for more money at the Hardware Store!
- Within five minutes I was like “I have to get the fuck out of here.”
- I stayed for nine months. There were some great moments.
- There was riding on a cherry picker on a daily basis. Which is a lot of fun.
- There were hours to flesh out short stories. I was taking Creative Writing from the novelist Angie Cruz, who is like one of the coolest fuckin’ people I’ve ever met.
- She gave great criticism.
- And so I wanted to impress her.
- So I spent every shift auditioning ideas that might be suitable for The Type of Writer I Wanted To Be at the time — sort of tortured and formal.
- I wanted people to read my short fiction and say “He has good form.”
- I wanted a waxed mustache on a nickelodeon on some dancing legs, something burlesque and sepia-tinted.
- I frequently try too hard.
- So I spent a weekend with my old roommate Jules, who noticed I was uptight and started unspooling the emotional/mental performance I had been trying to convince myself was the best I could hope for.
- And by that Sunday, I knew I couldn’t even do that anymore. EVER.
- So I called in sick. And then I tried to quit.
- And my boss wanted to know why.
- Because he had been a nice, fair guy, never mean-spirited or rude, fun to be around.
- So I fucking had to come out to him on the phone.
- And he apologized for any comments he might have made.
- And that broke my heart.
- Because this was a really nice guy.
- But I had to GO!
- To sell chicken.
- Two interviews. They made me do two interviews to sling chicken.
- Like paying me 7-something an hour for 14 hours a week was The Gravy Train.
- Honestly.
- They were oddly religious. But my boss liked me!
- He also ignored the fact that I was gay.
- That was weird.
- Especially since everyone else knew.
- I mean come on.
- A straight man can’t properly sell someone on a milkshake.
- You gotta lean in and say, “Honey, I think you deserve it today.”
- ANYWAY.
- One day I was on boards.
- Assembling food, not selling it or preparing it.
- And my manager was on bags.
- It was a Saturday. We were busy.
- He’d call out what he needed and I’d get it for him. All around us employees were standing at registers, mopping floors, deep-frying chicken in these giant pressurized vats of oil.
- “I need a small salad.”
- I opened up the small refrigerated compartment and reached my hand in to get a pre-made salad. I handed it to him.
- “Here you go,” I said.
- He called out for a carrot salad, I handed it to him. It was a few hours before I got off work, I had a date that night. I was in the mood for ABBA.
- “I need a large fruit!”
- “Ta-Da!!!” I exclaimed.
- Along with Jazz Hands.
- And everyone laughed.
- Except him.
- Like, come on dude.
- Lighten the fuck up.
Photo by Kevin Lim